I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
