I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
