i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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