Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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