how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
