I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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