1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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