i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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