i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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