I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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