I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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