Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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