So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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