Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
