My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
