Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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