i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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