whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
