The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
