i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
