How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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