After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
