I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
