I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
