I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
