My hand turned me down
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
