One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
