remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
