I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
