I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
