I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
