it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
