Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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