I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
