Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
nutella sex= disaster
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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