On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
