Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
