Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you didnt know i had herpes?
my shit smells like andre
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
