He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
