Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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