Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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