How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
