I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
