My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
