I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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