My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize