you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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