He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
