I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
