i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
