they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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