I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
