she was so not down for the gang bang
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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