So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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