The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize